Oopsy, here's the deal...

People seems to have difficulty apologizing simply because they think it doesn't matter or because it's personally embarrassing to have to admit a human flaw. (I'm still holding out on giving an apology for slapping a patron upside the head at the Palace Reux in downtown Hoboken when I was a go-go dancer in 1943 during the Big War.) I could go into excruciating psychological detail about why this happens, but you'd probably find that it puts you to sleep faster than taking a Sominex.

Every one of us has made mistakes. Some of them are small, like insisting, in error, that we've paid a bill and then learning later that this wasn't the case. Some of them are big, like unjustifiably going postal over an incident that wasn't worth the time of day and making everyone around us think that we're Arnold Schwarzenegger in an action/revenge movie. Remember the saying: "To err is human, to forgive is divine." (I don't own the copyright on that, so feel free to use it.)

Failing to apologize doesn't resolve the initial mistake. Maybe nobody remembers your small error, but they quickly recognize if you're the person who thinks he or she is incapable of ever being wrong. (And people definitely notice your big mistakes.)

What seems trivial to you doesn't necessary seem trivial to everyone else. I'll bet that you think that you're owed more apologies than others think they need to provide. I'll bet they feel the same way about issues in their lives.

Apologizing doesn't make you less of a person. People respect someone who loses a little face to apologize rather than seeing the apologizer as weak. A failure to apologize only makes you better in your own mind. How do you want others to think of you?

When you apologize, mean it. That means recognizing what you've done wrong and why it's hurt others. If you toss out the words "I'm sorry" without a thought, then everyone is going to realize that you're really not sorry at all. And that will just inflame tensions.

Finally, sometimes an apology won't be accepted, and sometimes it shouldn't be, because it's "neither necessary nor sufficient." That is, some wrongs are almost unforgiveable. But, hearing an apology rarely hurts.

As important as it is to apologize when you're wrong, it's also essential to learn to forgive whenever possible and to let things go that don't matter. Grievances add up, and they take their toll on your well-being. Remaining angry for life won't benefit you. Seeing yourself as a victim won't help, either. Recall the phrase: "I'll forgive, but I won't forget."It's best to learn from mistakes—both your own and others'.

Ironically, some people seem to believe that they can regularly act obnoxiously and that the moral slate is wiped clean if they apologize, whether it's accepted or not. However, it's better not to behave like a jerk in the first place. If you need to toss out apologies left and right, then you need to evaluate your behavior and make some adjustments. (Don't make me pop you upside the head!)

So, what's a person to do? The most important task is to try to make things right—to return the wronged person to the state that they were in before the incident occurred. The easiest way to do this is to make the penalty high enough for errors that you recognize the value of avoiding making those errors. I'm not suggesting that you should be buying huge diamond rings for people every time you apologize (although I wouldn't mind a few sent my way). But, the penalty needs to be adequate to deter your mistakes in the future and adequate to make the other person "feel whole" again.

Many of us are on auto-pilot. We act and react without thinking first. As a result, if you're of control because of something you've said or done (or that has been said and done to you), it's best to pause now, let some time pass, and then determine the best reaction once things have cooled down a bit. That takes a great deal of conscious effort and self-control. But, it makes a better person of you.

You need an example? OK, I'll give ya one.... Let's say that you go out with some friends to a bar or party. One friend gets way beyond their limit, returns to your home, and quickly upchucks on your living room sofa. You feel a sense of fury and belt out: "What the (bleep)! You ruined my sofa! You're a lying sack of (bleep)! Why can't you ever control yourself?"

During that example, nobody is at their best. Taking out your fury at that time isn't going to be very productive, because there's no use in screaming at someone who's so intoxicated that they can't stand up, much less someone who doesn't really realize what they're done or the consequences of it. Additionally, you don't want to say things that you're going to regret later. Just clean up the mess as best you can (gross as it is), help them to the bathroom (so there aren't further messes), and wait until the next day to confront the intoxicated person.

If you're the intoxicated person in that example, once you regain your faculties, then it's time to make things right. Offer to pay to professionally have the sofa cleaned (if that will return it to its former state). If the cleaning isn't working, then offer to buy a comparable sofa to replace it. Maybe buying the sofa is something you can't afford. Good, then! The cost will teach you that you need to control your drinking in the future. If you don't have the money, then make a payment plan and stick to it, or get an additional short-term job to make up the difference. (Saying, "I was willing to pay" and then not following through makes it obvious that you're a loser.) Then, go above and beyond the call of duty by doing more than what you have to. Offer to fix dinner for the person whose sofa you damaged or clean their house. Or, if you have the money, offer to buy them a new game for their console or take them out to dinner and pay for their meal. Legally, you don't have to do anything more than pay to have the sofa cleaned (if it works) or to buy a replacement sofa that's the same depreciated value as the one that was damaged. But morally, you owe more, and you can be assured that the person who owns the sofa will feel the same way. Don't fool yourself into thinking that an apology alone is enough—you've done more damage than an apology will cure. Finally, learn to control yourself better when you're drinking in the future by limiting your intake, learning to eat before you go out drinking, and to drink plenty of water the day of the drinking so that you won't wind up being a giant mess. Your mistake isn't the end of the world.

And that's the way it is.

Smooches,
Babs