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A READER
WRITES:
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"Bess, a while back, you had a column about couples that constantly fight in public and at home around guests. I'm friends with a couple like that, and I always try to help them work things out, but the next day they're back to fighting and have learned absolutely nothing. I'm stressed out by all their arguments, and I know that every evening with them will ultimately be ruined. What should I do?" (Peacenik in Portland)
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BABS'
WISE
ADVICE:
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Peacenik, let me give ya a short-and-sweet answer: "Butt out, and get out!"
Let's assume that you're a wise sage and that following your suggestions would lead to peaceful bliss. Guess what: They aren't following your advice. And they never will.
Here's the deal: It's easy to give advice, but you're asking them to undergo a radical transformation that requires a great deal of effort and commitment to change. They'd have to learn to understand each other, consider each other's feelings and fears, and learn to respond in a new way. They aren't willing to go to that much trouble. Instead, they destructively thwart their own happiness, destroy the happiness of their mate, and ignore the impact upon their friends or anyone else. They probably entered the relationship with some serious, unresolved psychological issues in their background—insecurities about themselves, childhood fears and scars, and jaded perceptions from past relationships gone wrong. Each person brings his sense of victimization to the relationship and is so absorbed in this role that he doesn't focus on the other person's needs or feelings. It's not surprising, then, that the relationship isn't working out well.
You'd prefer that the conflict not exist. But since it *does* exist, you've sought to be placed in the middle because you think you can resolve the problems. It gives you a sense of power and control. It also gives you a feeling of being wanted and needed as they turn to you to seek advice and assistance in working out differences. But, this is an illusion: It's not within your power to change their behavior. And, it's not your obligation to try to do so.
After a while, you might have begun to feel angry and frustrated at always trying to help and never seeing it succeed. That's because you had a false hope that things would be better in the future or that you had an influence over them which you now realize never existed. It was wasted effort.
Now that you realize that you can't change their situation and that fights between them are going to continue regularly, you have to decide how to proceed. So, I'm going to suggest a little Tough Love here.... It's time to mark them off your social calendar and find new friends. You deserve to have fun with friends, not to watch their constant bickering. You deserve friends who respect you and themselves enough that they don't slog you through such garbage. The current situation is emotionally unhealthy for you, so it's time to bring it to a close.
This couple may promise that, "We'll try to do better!" If you believe that, I have some swampland to sell you; they haven't changed before, so they won't change now. It's likely that they'll feel hurt by your decision, but it's important to remember that you're not taking this action out of anger or to make them suffer. And, you're not taking it out of an expectation that it will force them to improve their relationship in order to keep your friendship. Rather, you're taking it because the stress and grief that this situation is causing you is now outweighing the enjoyment you experienced. You're taking it because their problem has become your problem—a problem you have no control over. You're taking it because you have an obligation to look after yourself sometimes, instead of always looking after others. Now, you can focus on fixing problems in your own life—which you can control—instead of others' problems which are beyond your reach.
Maybe someday, this couple will care enough to get individual and couples' counseling. And, if they are serious about the effort and it succeeds in teaching them how to resolve conflicts in an appropriate manner, then you can reconsider reinitiating the friendship with them at that time. But, don't hold your breath waiting.
And that's the way it is.
Smooches,
Babs
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