A
READER
WRITES: |
"Bess,
a while back, you had a column about couples that constantly
fight in public and at home around guests. I'm friends with
a couple like that, and I always try to help them work things
out, but the next day they're back to fighting and have learned
absolutely nothing. I'm stressed out by all their arguments,
and I know that every evening with them will ultimately be
ruined. What should I do?" (Peacenik in Portland)
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BABS'
WISE
ADVICE: |
Peacenik,
let me give ya a short-and-sweet answer: "Butt out,
and get out!"
Let's assume that you're a wise sage and that following your
suggestions would lead to peaceful bliss. Guess what: They
aren't following your advice. And they never will.
Here's the deal: It's easy to give advice, but you're asking
them to undergo a radical transformation that requires a great
deal of effort and commitment to change. They'd have to learn
to understand each other, consider each other's feelings and
fears, and learn to respond in a new way. They aren't willing
to go to that much trouble. Instead, they destructively thwart
their own happiness, destroy the happiness of their mate, and
ignore the impact upon their friends or anyone else. They probably
entered the relationship with some serious, unresolved psychological
issues in their background—insecurities about themselves,
childhood fears and scars, and jaded perceptions from past
relationships gone wrong. Each person brings his sense of victimization
to the relationship and is so absorbed in this role that he
doesn't focus on the other person's needs or feelings. It's
not surprising, then, that the relationship isn't working out
well.
You'd prefer that the conflict not exist. But since it *does*
exist, you've sought to be placed in the middle because you
think you can resolve the problems. It gives you a sense of
power and control. It also gives you a feeling of being wanted
and needed as they turn to you to seek advice and assistance
in working out differences. But, this is an illusion: It's
not within your power to change their behavior. And, it's not
your obligation to try to do so.
After a while, you might have begun to feel angry and frustrated
at always trying to help and never seeing it succeed. That's
because you had a false hope that things would be better in
the future or that you had an influence over them which you
now realize never existed. It was wasted effort.
Now that you realize that you can't change their situation
and that fights between them are going to continue regularly,
you have to decide how to proceed. So, I'm going to suggest
a little Tough Love here.... It's time to mark them
off your social calendar and find new friends. You deserve
to have fun with friends, not to watch their constant bickering.
You deserve friends who respect you and themselves enough that
they don't slog you through such garbage. The current situation
is emotionally unhealthy for you, so it's time to bring it
to a close.
This couple may promise that, "We'll try to do better!" If
you believe that, I have some swampland to sell you; they haven't
changed before, so they won't change now. It's likely that
they'll feel hurt by your decision, but it's important to remember
that you're not taking this action out of anger or to make
them suffer. And, you're not taking it out of an expectation
that it will force them to improve their relationship in order
to keep your friendship. Rather, you're taking it because the
stress and grief that this situation is causing you is now
outweighing the enjoyment you experienced. You're taking it
because their problem has become your problem—a
problem you have no control over. You're taking it because
you have an obligation to look after yourself sometimes, instead
of always looking after others. Now, you can focus on fixing
problems in your own life—which you can control—instead
of others' problems which are beyond your reach.
Maybe someday, this couple will care enough to get individual
and couples' counseling. And, if they are serious about the
effort and it succeeds in teaching them how to resolve conflicts
in an appropriate manner, then you can reconsider reinitiating
the friendship with them at that time. But, don't hold your
breath waiting.
And that's the way it is.
Smooches,
Babs
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