Page last updated:
2010-01-20 |
Most
movie-reviewers drone on about "symbolism" and "visual
style" and "composition," but the films I watch don't
have those things. Really, what ya want to know is what's worth watching
and what's garbage—and ya want to know quickly. So, this PopCulture
Shack column is dedicated to mini-reviews of things that have graced
my TV screen as of late, for better or worse. |
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Satan
Was
a Lady
(2001)
[NR]
|
Who's in it: Honey
Lauren, Edge, Hans Lohl
The Plot (straight-up): Cleo is a "working girl" who
entertains men for money—sometimes using whips and
a mask. She decides to blackmail one wealthy client, John King,
for $25,000 cash by threatening to show suggestive photos of
him to his wife. But, when the money is stolen, Cleo wants more—and
she'll do anything to get it and to stop those standing in her
way!
The Take: Pretty much your standard erotic thriller. Honey
Lauren, who's been in a string of B-movies, does a great acting
job here. By contrast. we have Hans Lohl (King's son), who performs
his lines with all the raw emotion of a "Speak & Spell." And,
there's nothing to beat the creepy screen presence of Edge (as
John King), who resembles The Simpsons' Mr. Smithers
if he were born in the House of Wax. The flick's music is pretty
cool—very Sinatra-esque.
The Dish: This flick was one of the three comeback efforts
by then-88-year-old exploitation filmmaker Doris Wishman, who
directed and wrote 24 "nudie cutie" and "roughie" movies
from 1960-1978. Most of these used Doris' trademark method of
never shooting an actor's face while he was talking. (She dubbed
in all the sound later, which made it easier to direct.) As a
result, there would be numerous shots of people's feet, of the
sky, of the back of people's heads, and so on. In Satan Was
a Lady, it's pretty apparent that Doris' financial backers
nixed the post-dub and saddled her with a new cinematographer
who shot films "straight," so it doesn't look as distinctive
or interesting or have the usual great cheap feel. This is Doris'
remake of a 1975 adult film which she directed (though she denied
it); the remake is strictly soft-core fare.
Some of Doris' best flicks include Double Agent 73, Deadly
Weapons, and Bad Girls Go to Hell, while her early
nudie works (such as Nude on the Moon) are dull as dirt.
Most of them are now available on DVD from Something
Weird Video. For those who want more info about the now-deceased
Doris and her offbeat film efforts, there's an excellent article
at the Senses
of Cinema Web site.
Eye-candy quotient:
 Number
of semi-nekkid women in the film: 3
Number
of fully-nekkid gals in the film: 1
Number
of kisses between two gals in the film: 0
Number
of catfights in the film: 0
The Rating (out of 5):  |
The
Apple
(1980)
[PG]
 |
Who's
in it: Catherine Mary Stewart, George Gilmour, Vladek
Sheybal
The Plot (straight-up): In futuristic 1994, Bibi, a
sappy easy-listening music performer, is recruited by Mr. Boogalow
(who secretly is Satan and looks very much the part) into his
New Wave music recording company. Meanwhile, Bibi's ex-boyfriend,
Alphie (who looks like Saturday Night Live's Will Ferrell),
tries to win her back and turn her away from the hedonistic
New Wave life. All of this requires many, many musical numbers
to be performed.
The Take: Those who have seen this flick consistently
deem it to be the worst movie ever made (yes—even
worse than Xanadu), but that hasn't stopped it from
becoming a minor cult classic, because it's over-the-top fun
that won't leave you bored, and it has a Rocky Horror feel.
It includes great costumes, good dancing, and cool New Wave
makeup, plus a huge cast of dancers and extras. As for the
songs, they range from wretched to catchy, with the worst containing
only one line—"Hey, hey, hey, B.I.M.'s
on the way!"—repeated over and over for a
mind-numbing three minutes. ("B.I.M." is an acronym
for "Boogalow's International Music" and is also
the name of its top act.)
But wait—there's more! The movie also has a religious
subtext, including a fantasy scene in Hell where a loincloth-clad
Dondi (the male lead in B.I.M.) sings a rock song about an
apple to Bibi and persuades her to taste it as the horned Mr.
Boogalow stands around, grinning. And, I won't even *begin*
to tell you about the movie's ending—you aren't
going to believe it. (Heck, you aren't going to believe the
whole movie!) However, I will divulge the moral, which is,
essentially: "God loves hippies and easy-listening music,
but New Wave is the music of the Devil." Use this information
wisely.
MGM released The Apple on DVD, so you can finally see
it in all its glory in standard or widescreen versions. But,
I'd be remiss if I didn't give you a flavor of the musical
delights that await you. So, without further adieu, here's
one song from the flick with...
Lyrics that you'll never forget (even if you want to):
("Speed" by C. Recht/I. Recht/G. Clinton)
America, the land of the free,
Is shooting up with coke energy.
And everyday she has to take more... Speed!
America, the home of the brave,
Is popping pills to keep up the pace.
And everyday she cries out for more... Speed!
From New York out to L.A.,
Everybody does it her way,
Pumping power by the hour... Speed!
I can feel the earth start quaking
When America starts shaking,
Pumping power by the hour... Speed!
Speed! Speed!
America, of thee I sing.
To get your fix, you'll do anything.
There's just one thing that's worth fighting for... It's Speed!
America, your reds, whites, and blues
Are in our blood; we're strung out on you.
There's just one thing we're all dying for... Speed!
Everybody needs Speed!
From New York out to L.A.,
Everybody does it her way,
Pumping power by the hour... Speed!
I can feel the earth start quaking
When America starts shaking,
Pumping power by the hour... Speed!
Speed! Speed!
I need... Speed!
Gotta have... Speed!
Speed!
The Rating (out of 5): |
The
Singing
Forest
(2003)
[NR]
 |
Who's
in it: Jon Sherrin, Craig Pinkston
The Plot (straight-up): Christopher, a middle-aged widower,
meets his daughter's tasty twenty-something fiancee, Ben, and
decides that Ben was his lover in a past life spent in WWII-era
Germany (which ended in the execution of Christopher's former
self due to his participation in the Resistance). When Christopher
and Ben start becoming intimate, it threatens to destroy his
daughter's upcoming marriage and send the two men in a direction
neither had anticipated.
The Take: The Singing Forest is a dull, plodding
mess that feels more like spending drawn-out hours in a men's
therapy group than watching entertainment. Christopher's dialogue
seems cribbed from quotes copied from a daily inspirational
calendar—statements which are supposed to be pithy
but come off as trite. He has a creepy kind of touchy-feely
nature that reminds me of the spooky man who offers you candy
to get into his car.
The DVD box makes it appear that much of this film will take
place during the Holocaust, but that period actually only comprises
about 15 seconds of the entire film. (I never even saw the
cute blond actor shown on the box.) As it is, the film is so
tedious (even at only 60 minutes) that you'd like to slit your
wrists just to avoid watching the rest of it.
Eye-candy quotient:
Number
of cute guys in the film: 1
Number
of guys who get naked: 2
Intensity
of the bed scenes: Lukewarm
The Rating (out of 5): |
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